SHIP SOME LOVE.

International adoption has changed in the past few years, some Countries have closed their doors to waiting parents, news of unethical or illegal practices (which for China is more an issue for domestic rather than international adoption) has more and more potential parents rethinking their options. And then there's that little problem of economics. When we traveled to China to adopt Clara in 2004, it seemed every Westerner on Shamian Island carried an adorable, dark haired child in their arms. Which meant every one of those parents also made a substantial mandatory donation to their child's orphanage.

When we traveled in 2008 to bring Lu home, we could see the changes all around us, the shops that once catered to adoptive parents were closing, the breakfast area at the White Swan hotel held mostly business people, not the throngs of new parents we had seen in the past. The length of time it takes to adopt from China has increased dramatically, factor that with the cost of adoption in our current economy and a grim picture emerges. Donations made by traveling parents are far and few between. This is effecting the children who are still waiting for their parents. They need formula, clothing, toys and basic necessities that we take for granted. They also need fully staffed, expert, ethical adoption agencies who advocate on their behalf.

Many adoptive parents send care packages to their child's orphanage and we will be too. Whether you're a part of the adoption community or not, think about celebrating your holidays by giving to one of the following organizations.

http://www.halfthesky.org/
http://www.lovewithoutboundaries.com/
http://www.internationalchildwelfare.com/index.html
http://www.childrenshomeadopt.org/Help_Children_in_China.html


My Dad with a few friends in Yuangjiang, China

AWWW, AREN'T THEY PRECIOUS! Part Five

Clara: "Mom, I hope you never go to jail."

Me: "I hope not either honey."

AWWW, AREN'T THEY PRECIOUS! Part Four

Lu: "Roar! — I'm going to ignore you Clara."

Clara: "That's not ignoring Lu."

Lu: "I'm gonna ignore you again — ROARRRRR!"

KINDERGARTEN — READY OR NOT, HERE WE COME.

Tomorrow is the big day. We've been talking about it, reading about it, getting ready for it, celebrating it, and toasting it at dinner almost every night for the past month. I have heard wise parents who have walked this path before me, tell tales of tears, emotions run wild, hearts so full of pride, yet such a deep desperate longing that they can barely let go of little hands and wave good-bye. Last year this all seemed so foreign to me, so illogical and emotional, I thought to myself "well, I'm not going to be one of THOSE parents. Um, yeah. Right.

The past few days I've scrutinized my Mom routine, thought hard about everything I've said and done, made a deliberate effort to be very present in the details, knowing that my daughter is about to enter a brand new world, one that I'm not in, at least from 8:30 till 3:30 Monday through Friday. Did I spend enough time playing Polly Pockets? (cause I recall thinking "dear lord deliver me from the hell that is tiny plastic pink skirts and teeny, eeny bitty plastic shoes.") Did we read enough books? Should I have given out more hugs and kisses? Watched her do more tricks on the backyard swing set? Taken her to Isles Buns on a weekday morning a few more times than I did? Did I do enough to prepare her for the world she's about to step foot into?

When you see emotional parents on the first day of Kindergarten, dropping off the most precious people in their lives, rest assured, those are the thoughts going through their minds.

We are very lucky to have a K-8 Chinese Immersion school (Yinghua Academy) a short distance from our house, it suits Clara perfectly. And just as importantly, it's a great fit for Pete and I too. Directly after drop off, I'll be heading to local coffee shop for the school sponsored "Kleenex and Coffee" for parents of Kindergartners. It'll be nice to know that as Clara lets go of my hand and heads off to make new friends, I will be too.

JUST BACK OFF (Snap, Snap) OKAY?!

The sassy title of this particular post has good reason. And if you're in the mood to get an ear full, pull up a chair. If not, stop by when you see a title warm and fuzzy enough for your liking.

Ok, my kids can be nosey. Mostly cause the big one is as curious as they come and the little one just does whatever the big one does. They are both smart, they ask questions almost nonstop. They are also outgoing, social and friendly. Most of the time they have manners, they have certainly been taught manners. But they are 5 and 3, so they forget. And their brains are still working on all the complex social rights and wrongs that us adults are still trying to master (some more than others I might add). My kids are NOT misbehaving, wild banshees who feel the need to insert themselves squarely into everyone else's business. They are KIDS.

Recently I've had the misfortune of being reprimanded about my kids behavior, by way of someone else reprimanding my kids. You know what I'm talking about, right? Before you even get a chance to reign your child in, someone else has done it for you, without your blessing and with that look of judgement that says "your. kids. are. out. of. control." It wasn't till I met the truly wonderful Grandmother of one of Clara's playmates at our local pool that I realized she had it down, she knew the gig. And I liked they way she saw my child.

My daughter and her grandson were doing cannon balls right in front of us as we were talking. As I was getting ready to pull Clara aside to let her know it wasn't ok to jump and splash right in front of adults, this lovely woman started laughing — great big giggly-tip-your-head-back-and roar laugh. She looked at me grinning and said "Kids love to splash, don't they?" And she's right (we were in the pool after all). They love to play and splash and laugh and run and ask questions and discover and learn and ask other Moms if they can have some of their snacks.

Let me just say this, if you're not a parent — keep your yap shut about mine (unless they're going to hurt you, themselves or someone else). And if you are a parent — take 5 seconds to be sure your own child is out there engaging, learning, discovering and testing the world before you start in on mine. Cause I'm a good Mom who teaches manners, kindness, thoughtfulness and appropriate behavior. Don't assume I need lessons on how to do it from you. (snap, snap)

Stepping down from soapbox now.

AWWW, AREN'T THEY PRECIOUS! Part Three

Clara: "I love you Lu".

Lu: "I love you poo-poo".

WORTH SHARING

I found this on a friends blog and wanted to be sure it's posted on mine as well. I still think about some of the families we met in China during both our adoptions, people who were so unprepared, so overwhelmed and in one case, very unhappy with a beautiful but very sad, grieving little girl.

For any parent comes responsibility to do the best you can by your child. With adoption, that means understanding the history your child holds within. And then advocating for them, long before you ever take them into your arms.

Feel free to copy this or pass it along to others, there can't be enough said on the following wise words.


Letter posted by Amy E. of Love Without Boundaries

"I most definitely wish there was a way to educate ALL adoptive parents about the truths of institutional care, however I have come to realize in my daily work that just as many parents are not online reading everything they can find on adoption as are reading.There are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of parents out there who have no idea what life is like for a child in an orphanage, and who head overseas to pick up their "China doll" only to be handed a baby who is unresponsive, thin, unable to eat...and on and on and on.While adopting my son last month, I walked several times over to the White Swan (Hotel where parents stay in China) to talk to parents, and over and over I spoke with moms and dads who had no clue whatsoever about the issues their kids were having.I heard so many times things like, "she won't eat solid foods" (oral aversion), "she has no muscle tone" (muscle atrophy from lying in a crib all day), "she won't smile" (pure grieving from being taken from her foster mom).I guess since I live China 24/7, I assume everyone adopting does, too, which is not the case.I was trying to process how many parents get all the way to China without ever reading about post-institutional issues.It was sobering to me.Babies in the NSN (non-special needs) as well as the SN (special needs) path can have issues with attachment, motor skills, emotional issues and more.Again, I am often surprised to talk to parents leaving soon and to realize they are not prepared. One family was adopting from our foster care program, and when I told them that the child was DEEPLY attached to the mom,the father said, "guess she might cry for an hour or so then?"An hour or so? She had been in foster care for over a year!I tried to explain that this little girl was about ready to lose everything she had ever known, and that they should not expect her to be sunny, happy, and full of personality after an hour.I told them to please remember the 72 hour rule.......that after 72 hours they would probably see her spark, but that she would probably grieve for a long time after that as well.I think for many adoptive parents, they just don't want to read the "bad stuff", and so I do think that ultimately it is the parents who are at fault for not doing more to educate themselves.There certainly are books galore out there about post-institutional issues.I think adoption from China is very similar to giving birth.. it is much more rosy to only read the happy stories on APC (another website for adoptive parents), but I now encourage every family I meet to read the harder ones as well.It is always a very sad day for the orphanage and everyone involved when a child that they know is absolutely fine, but perhaps thin and grieving, is returned by their new parents for being "delayed".I think far too many people believe their child's life is going to begin the moment they meet them.The truth is, and everyone must realize it...a child's life is going on RIGHT NOW in China, and all of their experiences are shaping who they are.The one thing I have learned over and over again about the kids in China is that they are fighters and survivors.But for some reason, people seem to want to ignore these issues in public forums.Recently, one of our medical babies that we had met several times in person was adopted, and we all knew that this child was a "spitfire".When the family arrived and spent a few days with her, they decided she was too much of a handful for them and they wanted to disrupt.She absolutely was not what they expected.I think all of us, who do realize that delays occur and that babies can usually overcome them, should be these children's advocates by continually trying to educate new parents on what to expect in China.By helping them be better prepared, we just might help stop a disruption in the future.I love Chinese adoption with my whole heart, and it is my life's work…but I also want every family who goes to get their baby to go with their eyes open and to be as emotionally prepared as possible, for the child's sake."

Amy E-Love Without Boundaries"

LU SWIMS

A full year ahead of Clara, Lu began swimming today. We've been in lessons this week, a Mom and Tot class with very basic water fundamentals. But being true to his nature, Lu catches on quick and as with any type of sport or athletic activity, seems to excel almost immediately. I'm not athletic — never have been, but I better jump on the bandwagon cause I have a feeling I'm going to be spending an awful lot of time sitting in bleachers.

Oh, he can do summersaults too. Underwater. And I will not be surprised if he rides a two wheeler before Fall is over.

I don't have any swim photos so instead I'm posting one of Lu's many heart stopping play yard maneuvers. Pray for me.

CHINESE CULTURE MAKES A HOUSE CALL

If you've read this blog for a while, chances are you know who Molly is (if not, it's worth it to find out). Every year, Children's Home Society holds a reunion for families who have adopted in China. Of course there are games, food, activities and booths with local links to Chinese culture. But, the big draw is always the Reps who work in China and bring us face to face with our children. Every couple years the agency is able to bring these people to the U.S. and this year we asked if we could host them. Of course we had a special agenda as our good friend Molly was one of the visiting Reps.

Molly has known Clara since she was 10 months old, we keep that relationship alive by sending pkgs., letters and photos back and forth via other traveling adoptive families. The last time Molly was in MN. she was still adjusting to her new found celebrity status among the families she's helped. This time it did my heart good to see her smiling and soaking in the love we all feel toward her. Of course Molly has a job that would guarantee her beloved status no matter how well she did it. But as it happens, Molly quite simply — kicks ass. She loves kids, has a heart of pure gold and the patience of a saint. But what really makes Molly shine is her people smarts, she knows exactly how to read any situation and get the necessary results. Trust me on this, I've seen her in action and there's no one better.

As an adoptive parent, I search out and try to get my kids connections to their birth country but I'm never quite convinced it hits the mark. Enter Molly and Vivian. They stayed with us for 7 days and that short time gave them more culture than I've ever been able to. For an impressionable 5 yr. old who wants "skin like yours, Mommy", Clara had role models who showered her with attention — and just by example, gave her more pride in her heritage than I ever can. For breakfast, my kids insisted on eating rice noodles and broth with chopsticks so they could be like their "A'yi Molly and A'yi Vivi". Clara and Lu both begged to learn more Chinese words, telling me every time I tried to pronounce something "No Mom, thats not right, it's like THIS! You're not Chinese so it's harder for you" And of course they're right.

The girls were very busy with training and with other families lined up to see them, but the little moments my kids could share with them, drinking tea, eating chinese candies, listening to stories, was what gave them a true sense of China. Thank you Molly and Vivi, this was a gift beyond measure and you both have lifelong places in our hearts, and in our home.

HEARTS AND MINDS

Since Clara was the wee age of about one and a half she has grieved the loss of something. A memory? A sense of something missing? Her birth mother? Her Culture? All of the above and more? I'm not sure I know, I'm not sure she knows. I just know she gets sad sometimes, usually out of no where, sometimes when she's tired, sometimes when she's just thinking, lots of times when we read books with pictures of a mother holding a baby. Which was the case today. She came to me as I was putting laundry in the washer and with her giant brown eyes full of tears, said "I'm sad Momma". The minute she was safe and secure in my arms — the tears fell, open, flowing and agonizing to watch. I asked her what had made her feel sad and she said she had been reading that "pattycake book". Ah-ha, actually the book "I Love You Like Crazy Cakes" which recounts the adoption of a baby girl from China by her mother who was "also missing something". (not one of my favorites in our collection of adoption books)

For some reason, the page which shows the mother rocking and feeding her baby daughter a bottle gets to Clara every time. I have the book stashed in the recesses of her closet but every now and then she digs it out. The old 70's movie version of Charlotte's Web has a scene where Fern holds Wilbur and swings him around singing "There must be something more to us than you and me...", that has a profound affect on Clara as well, eliciting the same sadness and tears. (I love this movie and and the songs, which have lots of positive adoption related messages, while also exploring loss)

The grief is real. All adoption experts site babies who are very, very young and are deeply affected by their losses. And I have seen it first hand, which is excruciatingly heartbreaking. At five, we can talk through these feelings in a way that we couldn't at three, or even four, but I know she still doesn't completely grasp what is at the bottom of all these feelings when she looks at me for the answer to her question "Mommy, why am I feeling this way?". I tell her that I'm not sure but I will always be here to listen and talk and hug her tight. "Even when I'm a Momma?" she asks. Absolutely I tell her. And that seems to help.

A QUICK UPDATE

And by quick, I mean I'm not even going to write in paragraphs, just bullet points. It's a busy summer my friends.

• Clara graduated from preschool and yes, I did get teary-eyed. She starts Kindergarten at a Chinese Immersion school in the Fall. We're all very excited and happy with our choice. And they wear uniforms, love it.

• Lu is potty trained. We did it all in one day. Accidents are rare and so sorrowful that I'd let him pee on our best couch if it would keep him from feeling so glum about not making to the toilet.

• We got to spend a day with 2 children who were in Lu's orphanage with him. It was magical, emotional and gratifying. I love these families and their kids. Thank you Leslie and Keith and Sherry and Bob.

• Lu turned 3. He's growing up too fast. My heart says I'd like one more crack at diapers and bottles and onsies and chubby little arms and legs so cute you could take a bite out of them. My head says no. No, for all kinds of common sense reasons we need to be done. My husband also says no. So Lu needs to slow down so I can savor these days. And if time could stand still for a while, that would certainly help. But, my friend Amy says 3 is the new 2. And I do like that logic.

• The kids and I drove to Michigan (a full 12 hours in one day — with NO DVD player — I am my own hero) to visit my folks. Clara and Lu were spoiled, I was spoiled, Clara finally gave up the training wheels and pedaled her heart out all over dirt roads and country cemeteries, Lu got way wound up with his cousins and was a maniac

• The kids and I met Pete in WI. on the way back and spent 2 days at our favorite Pewaukee Radisson, Clara learned she could go in the deep end with her life jacket and without clinging to a parent. She then learned how fun it is to jump off pool ladders in the deep end at Pete's cousin's very fabulous family picnic. Lu got way wound up with his cousins and was a maniac. I drank beer.

• My nephew Max is visiting us from MI. Had I been able to foresee the future I would have had a child 14 years ago so we could have a built-in entertainer/babysitter/more-fun-than-Mom-putter-to-bedder/get Lu wound up older brother. Who gives skateboard lessons.

• Clara has learned to tie her shoes. And everything else she can find around the house to tie.

• Lu is all poop talk, all the time.

• It's NEVER the terrible two's, it's ALWAYS the terrible three's. Trust me on this one.

• Tomorrow we leave for our 5th annual Lake Michigan beach house rental with 3 other families we adopted with when we got Clara. This trip is amazing — the beach, the camaraderie, the laughs, the amazing food we cook, the amazing amounts of alcohol we consume. And of course the friendship of our little girls who have known each other longer than they've know their own families. And this year there will be little boys to add to the mix. A crazy house full of noise, chaos and love, to be sure.

• Happy 4th of July, hope your celebration is filled with family, friends, laughter and at least a few crazy kids running around.

HAPPY ADOPTION DAY LU!

One year ago today we waited in a hot, small, overcrowded Government Center to meet our son. A small van arrived and a little boy emerged in the arms of his A'yi (Auntie), a big grin on his face, a twinkle in his eyes. Its been an amazing love affair ever since.

Lu is perpetually happy and wants everyone around him to share the same state of mind. He has a naturally lean, athletic, muscular body with all the confidence and competence to keep a parent on high alert at all times. His vocabulary is enormous, thanks to a talkative big sister and his brain is already chocked full of amazing facts, also courtesy of Clara. Everyone who meets Lu loves him, even the random folks he passes in the grocery store, calling out a cheerful "Happy Birthday!" with his sweet grin and stopping the crankiest of people dead in their tracks. If there were only 1 cookie left on earth and it belonged to Lu, he would gladly give it up to whomever asked him for it and supply them with a "you're welcome!" before they even got out a "thank you"

I am thankful everyday to be his Mommy and as I rocked him tonight and he fell asleep on my lap, I wondered how much longer he would fit here, how much longer would his head tuck under my chin, how much longer would I be able to pick him up and hold him close, kissing his impossibly soft cheeks and loving the weight of him in my arms. Lu will turn 3 on June 7th, he turned 2 right after we arrived home from China last year. In just 1 short year he's grown up so much, shedding all traces of baby with a speed that I haven't caught up to yet. I hope this next year goes nice and slow, I want to savor every moment.

We love you Lu, thanks for all you've given us.

BECAUSE I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS PICTURE

Everything you ever wanted to know about my kids is in this picture. They are happy kids. And they love each other more than I ever thought possible. Clara was meant to be a big sister, Lu was meant to be a little brother, the dynamics of their relationship is perfection, not always without some drama mind you, but watching these two in action elevates my life to a whole new level every day.

AWWW, AREN'T THEY PRECIOUS! Part Two

Actual conversation:

Me: "okay Clara, it's time for you to go to sleep and Mom to go downstairs and wash dishes (code for lay on the couch and watch TV)"

Clara: "but Mom, I want you to scratch myyyy baaaackk" (additional letters meant to convey whining)

me: sigh (to give myself a mental acknowledgment of wearniness) smile (to reassure her I'd do anything in the world to make her happy) "okay, but just for a minute, I've got a lot of dishes! (code for my shows about to start!)

back scratching begins.
back scratching ends.

Clara: "if you don't keep scratching my back I'll go find someone else to live with"

Me: (thinking for just a brief moment — ahhhh. perfect. no interruptions while I finally get a chance to sit down, relax and watch mindless television...can you ask if they'll feed you breakfast before bringing you back home? And hey, before you leave, will you make Mommy a gin and tonic?) "oh honey I would be so sad if you decided to do that. And chances are, those people won't scratch your back past 8:00 p.m. either. I love you, now go to sleep sweetheart."

AWWW, AREN'T THEY PRECIOUS!

Overheard on the way to preschool today:

Lu: "Old McDonald had a POO-POO! E-Yi-E-Yi-Oh!"

Clara: (snort laughing herself into hysteria) "Lu! I love you more than all my friends!" "Mom, did you hear that?! Lu is so funny!"

Me: smiling proudly at the brother/sister love-admiration-fest going on. Who in their right mind could argue with that kind of logic. Poop talk bonding -- works for me.

SEE PREVIOUS POST

TUNE UP THE WASHING MACHINE HONEY, SPRING IS HERE!

Finally. Finally. A Spring day that promised warm weather really would show up in Minnesota.

The kids and I hightailed it to the park the minute we got the phone call to meet our gang of friends. At a sweltering 65 degrees, the only appropriate attire was of course, shorts. Clara has been asking to wear them for weeks so her "bare legs will be sticking out", it was nice to finally agree without fear of kneecap frostbite. And as they both rolled around (yes, really rolled) in the sand on the playground, and both went head over heels (yes, really head over heels) as they ran down a hill, I was hit smack in the noggin with the warm weather realization of filth. Diaper sand, grass stained clothes and body parts, boogers and runny noses black with dirt, bloody elbows, knees and t-shirts, ahhhh...childhood.

It's time to add nightly baths to our evening routine. That and a load or two of laundry. A worthwhile trade in for the wonderful kind of tired that fresh air, sunshine, warm breezes and laughter brings. Finally, Spring at last.

HAPPY EASTER

LOBBYING FOR WIC KIDS

In case you're not familiar with the term, WIC refers to Waiting International Children. These are kids who are not in the standard adoption program for a country and are considered "special needs". As the timeframe for adoptions in many foreign countries continue to grow, WIC can be a really wonderful avenue to pursue. And I'm speaking from experience. In China, what may be considered a "special need" can easily be just a matter of a simple procedure here in the States.

Lu and I recently stopped in to Children's Home Society (our adoption agency) for a visit with the great team who helped bring our family together. People who have become friends to us and in many ways, family. They were like proud Aunties playing with Lu, commenting on how he's grown, how well he's talking, adjusting, attaching. It was there that I learned that the wait for an adoption from the China WIC program can be as short as a year. A YEAR! The standard China program is at least 3 years. If you came across this blog because you're considering adoption, I'd highly recommend looking into this program as you explore your options. The little boy who came into our family could not be more perfect in every way.

ROWS OF TOES

THINK TROPICAL

Winter is getting to us. We're quite over the cold. We're quite over sledding and slipping and sliding and layers of clothing. Since March 1st brought a 9 degree day, instead of a warm sunny 40 degree day, we compensated by going the MN Zoo to walk the tropics trail and get a warm climate body and spirit infusion. Flamingos, a hands-on tide pool, a huge coral-reef tropical fish tank, and bea-u-tiful orchids, among other things. And being hardy Minnesotans, we did decide to brave the temps and walk out to see the Grizzly bears, part of a remarkable Russian Coast exhibit complete with a Grizzly self-serve salmon pond. Hopefully the next time we go, we'll be enjoying warmer weather as we visit the baby animals on the Zoo farm. Please hurry Spring, we're getting a bit impatient.

MY ROCK N ROLL GIRL

This morning as Lu and I drove Clara to preschool, "Fame" by David Bowie came on the radio. After a few moments Clara yelled from the back seat saying "MOM! This is my most favorite song EVER! — it rocks the love right out of my body!!!!" Yes Clara, I think I know what you mean.

CLEAN UP IN AISLE 2

My son led a high speed chase through Macy's department store with 2 sales clerks and moi in hot pursuit. Thankfully, no one was injured. Many, many, many racks of ladies socks, bras and underwear were however.

The trouble is, Lu has a laugh so contagious that I am often times not able to properly parent him. He was giggling like a maniac as he high tailed it behind cash registers, counters and other places the customer is not allowed (c'mon Lu, shopping 101). I would try (really, I swear) to sternly say "NO LU!" as he ducked and weaved out of my reach, looking over his shoulder and laughing hysterically as I grabbed a fistful of air. The minute I would catch him, he'd wiggle free, knowing full well I was completely under his evil powers of cuteness. Apparently, so were the Sales Ladies — bless their 60 year old, pant suit wearing, over made-up selves. They chased him too, not as fast as me, but they tried. And this made it even funnier to Lu, who's laugh would then of course render us useless. In the end, he laid down in the middle of the perfume department, making pretend snow angels, a path of destruction behind him.

I'm hoping that by the time they closed the store that evening, the southeast corner of the Rosedale Macy's looked a little less like tornado alley and a little more like a Woman's Undergarment Department. Oh Lulu, it will be a very long time before you set foot in Macy's again.

BACK TO THE TASK AT HAND...

My hope is that once in a while another adoptive parent, or adoptive parent-to-be stumbles across this blog and finds some insightful commentary, some experience that I'm able to pass along or — at the very least — a chuckle at my bumbling efforts in the crazy world of parenting.

One of the most challenging aspects of being an adoptive parent is that your child has a history that you had no part in. The months and years that your child spent in the care of someone else. Without you. One could, for example, drive oneself crazy wondering if their child had been picked up and comforted when they fell down. If he or she went to bed hungry. If the birth mother or father of your child bent down and kissed them good-bye before they walked away? did they whisper secret confessions? promises? a family name? loving words as tears fell down their faces? Oh yes, one might spend moments in the wee night hours, gazing into the faces of their sleeping children, wondering these things. Such is the job of an adoptive parent.

My son has had a remarkable easy transition into our family. So much so, that I've worried he hasn't grieved, or processed the enormous changes that his 2 yr. old little mind had to work through. In all I've read and heard, I've taken to heart that the grieving process is vital for healthy development. That grieving at a young age will be easier than trying to process it at an older age. I've also read that many adoptive kids have real fears of being "taken back" to an orphanage, of loosing their forever families. So, how do I best support my 2 and a half year old, beautiful, happy, steady-as-a-rock son who wakes up in the middle of the night and asks "I want A'yi, Mommy, I miss A'yi" and "I go back Mom, I go back to Pink Castle?" (the nickname of Lu's orphanage) as he looks at me with his questioning deep brown eyes. Lu remembers. He was very lucky to get extremely loving, mostly one on one care from a kind young woman who we had the good fortune to meet. He remembers what she gave him and he misses her. He remembers crying the day she put him in my arms because when we talk about our time in China he says to me "I cry and cry and cry Mommy". Small tears trickle down his cheeks but he's quiet. My heart breaks. I hug him. This is grief. I tell him it's okay to feel sad. I tell him I love A'yi too. I take his little hand in mine at 3:00 a.m. and we go downstairs, get a plate of homemade cookies and glasses of milk and he sits in my lap as we eat them, a smile spreading across his face.

I don't know that my words or actions help Lu, I'm not sure I know what I'm doing ... He's on his 3rd night of waking up and asking for A'yi. Her picture is by his bed and he can hold it, I'm always right there and I listen as he asks again "I see A'yi Mom? Tomorrow? Tomorrow Mom?".

FIVE.

We celebrated Clara's 5th birthday on Feb. 10. WOW, 5 is thee cornerstone to growing up. Each day I see how much more independent she's becoming, so much more involved in what I'm doing, so much more interested in having deep conversations and I hear in her voice how the world is making more sense, how the frame of her foundation is taking shape and her little life is being built up and outward from mine. Amazing, scary, a bit sad, a lot happy and a giant reminder that I need to pay close attention, she will be all grown up way too quickly.

Happy Birthday my dear, sweet, curious, beautiful, funny, inspiring, kind hearted, determined, sensitive, strong, brilliant, talkative, chubby cheeked, dimple faced, imaginative, lovely, creative, awe inducing child. I love you with all my heart. And then some.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR

All the best to you in the Year of the Ox, especially to our friends who are connected to this holiday through their beautiful children. We began getting ready 2 days ago with fresh haircuts. Clara and Lu swept out all our "bad luck" from this past year and this morning we set offerings out to birth parents and ancestors (bowls of oranges, chinese candies, a buddha statue and red paper cut outs) We'll live it up tonight with dinner at The Village Wok, red envelopes and cap off the week at a Lion Dance on Friday.

Gung hay fat choy everyone!

SO YOU WANNA BE A ROCK'N ROLL STAR...

Then listen now to what I say
Just get an electric guitar
Then take some time and learn how to play...

DEAR LESLIE AND KEITH,

I bet you wished you were here in Minnesota, bundling your kids to the point of unrecognizable and then cramming them in and out of car seats for trips to Target, the grocery store, pre-school drop-off, etc., etc.), trying to find activities that keep you from going all Jack Torrance and helping them discover the joys of winter wonderland play that doesn't involve a flask.

Oh how you must dream of the days when it took 14 and a half minutes to undress your children after they came in from the great white outdoors, how slush and puddles and piles of damp clothing would accumulate into a newly formed mountain range, right in your very own entryway. How you would gingerly step from ruddy cheeked child to ruddy cheeked child, wiping noses and inevitably landing your sock in one of the wet pools of melting snow...how you must long for that. As you sip umbrella drinks from patio chairs and watch your darlings, clad in bathing suits, run through the sprinklers in the warm embrace of Texas.

All I can say is that I'm sorry for you, sorry for your suffering, your non-arthritis joints, your dewy, moisturized skin with nary a crack or dry patch. You have my sympathy. It's a beautiful 8 degrees here today, jealous?

Hugs to you and the kids, tell the grass we said hi. Mel, Pete, Clara and Lu