HEARTS AND MINDS

Since Clara was the wee age of about one and a half she has grieved the loss of something. A memory? A sense of something missing? Her birth mother? Her Culture? All of the above and more? I'm not sure I know, I'm not sure she knows. I just know she gets sad sometimes, usually out of no where, sometimes when she's tired, sometimes when she's just thinking, lots of times when we read books with pictures of a mother holding a baby. Which was the case today. She came to me as I was putting laundry in the washer and with her giant brown eyes full of tears, said "I'm sad Momma". The minute she was safe and secure in my arms — the tears fell, open, flowing and agonizing to watch. I asked her what had made her feel sad and she said she had been reading that "pattycake book". Ah-ha, actually the book "I Love You Like Crazy Cakes" which recounts the adoption of a baby girl from China by her mother who was "also missing something". (not one of my favorites in our collection of adoption books)

For some reason, the page which shows the mother rocking and feeding her baby daughter a bottle gets to Clara every time. I have the book stashed in the recesses of her closet but every now and then she digs it out. The old 70's movie version of Charlotte's Web has a scene where Fern holds Wilbur and swings him around singing "There must be something more to us than you and me...", that has a profound affect on Clara as well, eliciting the same sadness and tears. (I love this movie and and the songs, which have lots of positive adoption related messages, while also exploring loss)

The grief is real. All adoption experts site babies who are very, very young and are deeply affected by their losses. And I have seen it first hand, which is excruciatingly heartbreaking. At five, we can talk through these feelings in a way that we couldn't at three, or even four, but I know she still doesn't completely grasp what is at the bottom of all these feelings when she looks at me for the answer to her question "Mommy, why am I feeling this way?". I tell her that I'm not sure but I will always be here to listen and talk and hug her tight. "Even when I'm a Momma?" she asks. Absolutely I tell her. And that seems to help.